Often times the only thing that comes between me and complete happiness is me. I am a chronic worrier. I worry about the most inconsequential things in the world. This in addition to the stuff that legitimately requires worry is a whole lot of worry for one individual. I obsessively, compulsively worry about the parents even when they’re okay. Drives the mother ballistic. That’s fine you think, they’re your parents, it’s only natural. I worry about the job. I have an existential crisis fairly regularly- what am I doing with my life? Is this what I’m meant to do? Aren’t I destined for something bigger? Is my life really just waking up, getting dressed, participating in meetings that don’t end, once home logging back in again and finally going to bed just to rinse and repeat the next day? Again, only human you think. Very normal. To which I ask if it is normal to worry at 10.30 pm that the Cauvery will dry up (thank you, Suchitra and state), we won’t have water and a litre of water will cost as much as my earrings? Momentarily I worried that someone would kidnap my mother (also just before I went to bed). Those of you who know my mother know that there is a bit more of her to love. You may not think that she is standard kidnap material. I think that she is very kidnap worthy. The kidnappers will be better people for having her in their life-she will do their accounts, cook for them, keep them on the straight and narrow and pick out tasteful clothes for them. But I now see that this is an unlikely scenario. If there is a pregnant woman in the office, I worry that the baby will pop out in front of me. I worry that dead people are judging me each time I throw a hissy fit. Speaking of, my mother had to tell me that dead people prefer keeping it local and don’t travel across cities because when an uncle passed away I couldn’t get sleep worrying that he’d drop by to say ciao bambina. Yes, I’m a grown ass woman scared of ghosts. I also drove myself and all the girlfriends insane wondering if someone taking off for a week was because of and this is a multiple choice question- a. an illegitimate child, b. a secret marriage, c. a communicable disease and always a STD, d. kidnap, e. sudden move to another country, f. an illegitimate child, g. all of the above. I had some of them, my mother and myself convinced by each theory. Spontaneous generation move over.
None of us know what the future holds and it pains me when I think of all the time I lost in being bat poop crazy about the trivial. Hindsight in 20/20 and 9 out of the 10 things I worried about never materialized. I look back and I wonder why I even worried- the man upstairs and I are good. To paraphrase the Corinthians, God only gives you what you can handle. The Lord (bless him) does not trust me very much so I have not been tested beyond what I can bear. And I’d very much like to keep it like that. For most of us these days contentment is something we need to make a conscious effort towards. It does not come naturally. Those of us who have, worry about losing it. Those of us who do not have, worry about not getting it. It’s this never ending cycle that makes contentment and happiness so elusive. I cannot remember a time when I sat back and thought that ‘this is exactly where I am meant to be, doing what I’m meant to be doing, living the life I am meant to live’. Sometimes not knowing tomorrow is what makes life worth living. If we knew what was in store some of us would turn into absolute nightmares with arrogance and the rest of us would be nightmares with misery. A lot of times I have worried about not getting A when in fact B was so much better in every way. Sometimes not getting what one wants is the best thing that could’ve happened to us.
And so I’ve decided to just be. I cannot go back and correct yesterday, I cannot know tomorrow so all I can do is live for and embrace today. And make a conscious decision to be happy until it becomes a habit.